Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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