Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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