Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We're too hungover to prance.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
