In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
