her vagine was all disorganized.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
