Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
