Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
