Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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