to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
