I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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