I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
