i don't like sucking hair
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
