You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
