I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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