I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
