i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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