I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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