My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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