between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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