I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
