I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
