I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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