I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
