I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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