I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
