My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
