do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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