there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
