I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
try to milk me bitch
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