Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
