I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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