just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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