It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
