guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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