Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
