just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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