Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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