i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
