a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
