Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He better not be in your backpack
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
