We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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