So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
