As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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