I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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