she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
