We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
