oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
