I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
