Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
