New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
NoShamevember. You game?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
