Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
