that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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