the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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